Mononucleosis Sucks
To lie in void, which was left long ago
My objects packed, now reside far
away
New friends, about everyday lives they go
I am helpless at home, days dull and grey
Trapped in my body, I flounder and flop
Missing my break, stuck in lonely bed rest
When will the onslaught of infection stop?
On my return I pray I feel my best
Burd-ning my mom, a deadweight in current
Guilt fills my heart and poisons fill my mind
Appreciation for her I have learnt
Reparation for her aid I will find
Sterile office and cold metal tool
I would give my left nut to be in school
I felt a sonnet
would best describe the woes that I am going though. I thought the feeling of being back home
treated like a child after finally escaping the clutches of my small town would
be best expressed in the dialogue-mimicking style. The heartbeat duplicating pattern seemed to
fit the theme of sickness, with the possibly accidental errors in accents
symbolizing my ailments. I liked the
couplet at the end, I thought the hint of humor would give it a distinct
identity. I like how sometimes you have
to change the pronunciation of words to fit the metre and rhythm, like when I
used burd-ning instead of burdening to get one less syllable. I remember in Romeo and Juliet when
Shakespeare uses banishèd instead of banished to add an extra
syllable when Romeo is outcast from Verona.
I can’t imagine writing an entire play using iambic pentameter, it was a
huge pain and I’m still not sure I used it correctly. Mad respect, Shakespeare.
I did not like the
style of Villanelle, the tercets with the first and last lines rhyming for
multiple stanzas felt awkward like it rhymed like ABAABAA, I didn’t like how it
sounded unless you pause in between stanzas.
The Ghazal ends
multiple lines with the same word and one of my pet peeves is repetition of
words in writing so that was an obvious style to drop from the running.
Similarly with the
Pantoum you are supposed to repeat lines, which I feel is just unacceptable and
would bother me to no end unless I really found a topic I could fit into it,
like running on a treadmill where my mind keeps returning to the same thought
because I’m so bored.
"Mad respect, Shakespeare" indeed! But you did a nice job with this, Steven. And way to tap your current situation for the purpose of writing poetry. It gives the poem a nice specificity. Sometimes, the biggest problem for poetry beginners is trying to find something specific to write about, and too often, people tend to write about big, vague ideas and the result is cliche-riddled triteness. Not so here.
ReplyDeleteStill, I'd like to call your attention to a couple lines. "New friends, about everyday lives they go" -- instead of "about everyday lives they go," why not use more concrete language and specific details in order to paint a vivid image of the lives they live without you, the things you actually are missing out on?
"To lie in void, which was left long ago" -- "which was left long ago" is pretty vague. If you are going to modify a noun, you want that modifier to its proper work, which is to make clearer and more specific the noun of "void."
Some other things to consider: concrete language is key for good poetry. Why not take advantage of the vibrant language attached to disease and riddle the poem with images of specific sickliness. Does that make sense? Include metaphors tied to white blood cells, saliva--make it visceral. Make it visual.