Feet crunching in the wet gravel, Itzcoatl Ocampo shuffled up to the rusted door of his father’s broken down big-rig truck. His thoughts were racing, carefully planning the upcoming conversation. He knew he had blood on his hands and an uneasiness flowing through his conscience. The ungreased spring of the door handle creaked and clicked open with a metallic twang. His father’s grizzled mug oozed through the crevasse with the enthusiasm of a disgruntled, un-unionized carney. The cracks and crags of his once handsome visage were reminders of a life hard lived. He missed his son, a recently minted war veteran, and welcomed him to his temporary shanty. Times were hard and he’d begun to stretch the definition of shelter to its limits.
“They found another one”, Itzcoatl said, referring to the recent rash of serial killings. “He’s targeting the homeless; I hope you’re taking care of yourself.”
“I’ll be fine, I’m safe in my truck”, the elder Ocampo replied.
“I just don’t want to see you end up like the rest of them.”
Refugio Ocampo reassured his son, who’s glance was shifting and constantly looking over his shoulder. “Your brother Mixcoatl told me you had come back changed-that all the veterans come back changed. I hope you are still the same man.”
Itzcoatl responded, “I am the same man. I am sad, but I am the same man.”
“Izzy, we all mourned the loss of your friend. Claudio was a good boy and an even better man.”
Hushed and teary-eyed goodbyes were said and just as suddenly as he appeared, Refugio’s son was gone. A few days later he caught word of the killer’s capture. Nothing could have prepared him for the title of the article: Suspect in Killings of Homeless Men Has Family Link to Homelessness.
Wonderfully done, Steve. I loved this description most of all: "The ungreased spring of the door handle creaked and clicked open with a metallic twang." It's so visceral and well-placed. My only suggestion is be conscious of not over-describing. You don't want to push it too much, but pick your best descriptions and your best lines so that they don't get lost in the clutter. Less is more in a lot of ways. But that also might just be my stylistic preference. However, I do think it's good to give your strongest writing room to breath and sing.
ReplyDelete